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Monday, July 23rd, 2007

Time:3:46 pm.
I know I am a subway ride away from Manhattan, but it is just no fun without somebody to hang out with. I am that much of a pathetic social person that I can not really have fun by myself in a huge city full of amazing things to do. I am sure one day I will look back and think "what were you doing sitting in a shack in brooklyn while the world was waiting" but it's raining outside and I don't want to go anywhere. Maybe I shouldn't have stayed the few extra days just to hang out with him for a few hours every night. I had a really long weekend anyways, I am pretty worn out and maybe I should just go home.

I am so tired of not knowing what I should do. I have absolutely no ambition but to be happy, whatever that is. It's a very short term goal and it doesn't really extend past the next day. I know I have a year left of school, but I feel like its all sneaking up on me. What the hell am I supposed to do when I graduate. How do I compete with people who have had it figured out since they were children. How do I explain my situation to those who were born with a talent of undying interest in something so powerful that they have to succeed.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, June 20th, 2007

Subject:ahh real monsters!
Time:2:32 am.
the more I have to live alone, the more I don't like it. Maybe I am have to live dependant on somebody else. I ate a whole bowl of ice cream yesterday for no reason. Then I was too lazy to take the bowl to the kitchen.

There are noises outside the office and it is scaring the shit out of me...

I should go home and go to sleep but now I am afraid the student life building monsters will get me. :( Somebody save me.
Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

Sunday, June 10th, 2007

Time:12:19 pm.
Who really cares if I don't have a calling? On the radio I always hear about the people that write books or train elephants saying things like "I could do this for every day of my life because I have fun". I don't think I can do anything for everyday of my life, nor do I want to. It's not only that, but the notion that I have to enjoy what I do. I don't really want to do anything, I want to do everything.

I feel like the person who wants to travel and see the world but can't afford to. It's not that I don't like having a home or being there for most of the time, but I don't want to stay there forever. Some people know that they want to be a musician or a fashion designer or an artist and it is easy to shoot straight ahead to acheive that goal, but I don't have that. I would like to get at least a masters in sociology, maybe a PH.D if I can pull it off, but I don't feel like I was born to be a sociologist. It would just be an unfortunate accident.

Perhaps it is just as confusing for every 20 year old. Does everybody know exactly what they want to do? From birth we are pretty much spoon fed you can be anything you want to be with effort, but I don't buy it. Apparently I cant just not be anything, I have to be something and I have to have a goal and know where I want to go.

So I will perk up and since I have to posess some drive to be something, I think that I just haven't found my calling. It will probobly come in time. Maybe my calling is to be completely isolated with 12 cats, or perhaps its to be a baby factory. Maybe my calling is search endlessly for a calling.

and it's off to the rink, to glide over the ice with no friction threatening to hold me back.
Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

Time:6:49 am.
I have a shitty schedule. I really don't want to do anything except ice skate and sit at the mall for my Soc project. Last night we tested in ice skating and I moved up to level 4. Very exciting, I have a lot of new stuff to work on...and I might....just might be in the spring skating showww?? Maybe??? I don't know yet. Anyways. I have to go to the library and work on a project that is due at 1:30 today. Shitty stuff. I also need to stop and get some shit for the Spinnaker at Publix. I should get on that....
Comments: Add Your Own.

Monday, February 20th, 2006

Time:11:24 pm.
the Questioner
Test finished!
you chose CY - your Enneagram type is SIX.

"I am affectionate and skeptical"

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,
friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved
and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

  • Be direct and clear.

  • Listen to me carefully.

  • Don't judge me for my anxiety.

  • Work things through with me.

  • Reassure me that everything is OK between us.

  • Laugh and make jokes with me.

  • Gently push me toward new experiences.

  • Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

  • being committed and faithful to family and friends

  • being responsible and hardworking

  • being compassionate toward others

  • having intellect and wit

  • being a nonconformist

  • confronting danger bravely

  • being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

  • the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

  • procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence
    in myself

  • fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

  • exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

  • wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

  • being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

  • are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and

  • are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

  • form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

  • look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority
    and rebel

  • are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families,
    and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

  • are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

  • are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

  • worry more than most that their children will get hurt

  • sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele

The Enneagram Made Easy

Discover the 9 Types of People

HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages

You are not completely happy with the result?!

You chose CY

Would you rather have chosen:

  • AY (EIGHT)
  • BY (FOUR)
  • CX (TWO)
  • CZ (ONE)

  • My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 0% on ABC
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 60% on XYZ
    Link: The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test written by felk on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Friday, February 17th, 2006

    Subject:A MAN AMONG BOYS
    Time:9:10 pm.
    Comments: Read 4 orAdd Your Own.

    Monday, February 13th, 2006

    Time:2:58 pm.
    It is by far the best feeling in the world to find a book about marketing and economics for my sociology literary review paper and then open the back of the book up and read that the man who wrote it has a phd in sociology. It made my day...because now I can use it as a source!
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Monday, January 30th, 2006

    Time:5:49 pm.
    I just got back from volunteering for the Homeless Coalition of Jacksonville. I went to a downtown shelter and interviewed homeless men using a questoinnaire that was given to me. I was nervous at first, but after talking to a few people I became more comfortable. I was especially surprised by the answers that were given to the open ended question. Most of the men I talked to said something along the lines of the person being the one to help themself, and there was an overall negative view of people who use the homeless services with no attempt to raise themselves out of their situation.

    Overall it was a great experience and I hope that the surveys will help the group better the homeless population in Jax. The people were very nice and it makes me think about all those times I was afraid to go into downtown jax because of what other people have told me. I think this helped me get over that fear.
    Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

    Subject:happy happy happy
    Time:9:39 am.
    Just updating. Things have still been going well. Minor little inconveniences have occured this week though. I sprained my ankle figure skating and it still hurts a little, I hope it doesn't mess up during my lesson. The washing machine panel was from out washer so I had to go sit at the laundry mat :( Other than that though...everything is great.

    Yesterday was Tim's birthday and his dad coincidently was in town for a meeting on Amelia Island. so he came to our apartment Saturday night for some spaghetti dinner and then on Sunday we went down to orange park (tim's favorite part of jax) and we went to Outback Steakhouse. Tim's dad also bought Tim power tools for his birthday. He got a drill and a jigsaw. They both look really cool, they are loud but during the day that is not really a problem. This finally means that Tim has adequate tools to finish his projector. It already works but he does not like the way it is set up, he wants the project to sit on the floor so he has to reposition the lenses so that is possible. I am very excited.

    School is going well, it is getting stressful, but I think that I overdo things to begin with. I have a paper and so much reading. I finally got my self motivated to do Spinnaker work and went in on Friday and just kicked ass that way. I am also going to try for a position in the Sociology Club, which is exciting for me.

    On another note, tonight I have a homeless survey thing in downtown jax. I am only worried I will not understand what the people are saying. I hope everything goes well, I have this scared feeling like the feeling of stagefright, I am just nervous when I meet new people.
    Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

    Thursday, January 19th, 2006

    Time:9:02 am.
    ah, I love ice skating. My lessons are going so well, so I bought new tight :) I am so happy right now.
    Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

    Thursday, January 5th, 2006

    Time:1:50 pm.
    Mood: determined.
    I finally built up the balls to get a Long John (an eclair like thing) from Publix, and only one side has filling. this would have made Tim happy since he hates filling.

    School starts next week and I am excited, but I am not excited about what my classes this semester will entail. I could have finished my AA this semester by taking 5 classes but I took four instead because I know the workload will be large. I am taking
    1. Beginning German 2
    2. Core 1
    3. Qualitative methods
    4. Junior seminar

    I am most excited about qualitative methods, i have always been interested in this type of research. I think in order to personally understand somebody else's situation, you must emerce yourself into their lifestyle. Junior seminar is what I am most worried about right now, because it involves writing research papers dealing with any topic, thankfully I have thought about this a lot and decided one although I will most likely change it:

    Gender Steriotypes In Ice Figure Skating - In this essay I would talk about how gender roles are determined by ahtletic wear, figure skating moves and the ways that fans view the skaters of different disciplines.

    I tried to think of other sports where these topics may apply, like tennis, but in the end the only one I could think of was ballet and I do not think that ballet is as competitive. Since nobody is actually interested in this essay, I will not offer to let you read it when I am done.

    Good luck to everybody this semester and I hope things work out well. I personally will be attempting to brighten as many peoples days as I can because I am selfish and I think by making other people happy I will be happy as well.

    Sorry I did not LJ cut this, i wasn't exactly sure how to.
    Comments: Read 5 orAdd Your Own.

    Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

    Time:10:14 pm.
    anybody interested in taking figure skating lessens with me???? anyone??? no??? ok i understand.
    Comments: Read 3 orAdd Your Own.

    Monday, October 31st, 2005

    Time:8:07 pm.
    for a minute i forgot it was halloween, then i heard a dog bark and a little girl scream. i almost wish my parents had raised me to celebrate most holidays. Halloween for me was never really fun, i never had a good costume until this year (i was a mime) and if i stayed home nobody ever came to my house for candy because it was fucking scary for them.

    why do girls always dress up likes whores on halloween and it is socially acceptable. Do they walk out of their house past their parents, and do their parents say "excuse me young lady, you are not leaving like that".

    I wonder how many teenagers lose their virginity on halloween. why am i always so negative.
    I miss tim i wish he would come home from work early. I also want a peanut butter sandwich.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Tuesday, September 13th, 2005

    Time:8:11 am.
    i didn't sleep last night. tim wont' wake up to take his car in with me, and i am getting really fucking pissed the fuck off.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Subject:The coffee pot is clean.
    Time:1:11 am.
    Today I went to german class, only to discover i accidently had tim's cell phone. I got a call from Jen telling me there was an emergency at the spinnaker office and that they were all in SG chambers and that I should hurry there as soon as possible. So I excused myself from class thinking that the computers were all stolen or something stupid like that.

    I saw the caution tape first, then an empty stretcher. At that point I thought somebody had a random heart attack or something to that effect. Then I saw Taryn. She gave me a hug, and I still had no idea what was going on. Then she told me, and for some reason I was not shocked. I immediatly broke down crying. Richard is dead.

    I don't know what to do now. I can't sleep. I keep thinking about how my everyday life will be different because Richard won't be in the office anymore. I won't spend every Thursday night begging him to go to Pearl. I don't even know what to type anymore. I miss him so much.
    Comments: Read 1 orAdd Your Own.

    Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

    Subject:This makes sense
    Time:8:47 am.
    The Expatriate
    Achtung! You are 38% brainwashworthy, 31% antitolerant, and 19% blindly patriotic

    Congratulations! You are not susceptible to brainwashing, your values
    and cares extend beyond the borders of your own country, and your Blind
    Patriotism does not reach unhealthy levels. If you had been German in the 30s, you would've left the country.

    One bad scenario -- as I hypothetically project you back in time -- is
    that you just wouldn't have cared one way or the other about Nazism.
    Maybe politics don't interest you enough. But the fact that you took
    this test means they probably do. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the

    Did you know that many of the smartest Germans departed prior to the
    beginning of World War II, because they knew some evil shit was
    brewing? Brain Drain. Many of them were scientists. It is very possible
    you could have been one of them.

    Conclusion: born and raised in Germany in the early 1930's, you would not have been a Nazi.

    The Would You Have Been A Nazi? Test

    - it rules -

    My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 45% on brainwashworthy
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 43% on antitolerant
    free online datingfree online dating
    You scored higher than 12% on patriotic
    Link: The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Monday, August 29th, 2005

    Time:6:29 pm.
    it's my birthday today. I really hate birthdays. I remember in 8th grade, my friend gave me this hat (the only present i got) and it said "happy birthday" on it. I was in the cafeteria getting lunch and the Vice principle makes an anouncement about a very special birthday and that everyone should sing happy birthday. Well it turns out it wasn't for me, it was for somebody else and after that I just took my hat off and ate lunch.

    Tim got me a present this year. I am very happy. He got me a cell phone, but it doesn't work. We have to send it back and try and get a different one.

    Oh and one more thing, financial aid canceled a big chunk of my money for the fall. Happy birthday to me!
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Thursday, August 4th, 2005

    Time:11:32 pm.
    Mood: depressed.
    i am so depressed. I wish i could go back in time, just like everybody else wishes. I wish I was a little kid again, armed with all I know now, ready to take advantage of things. I still feel like saying "I miss Tim" but he is right in the other room. If I wanted to I could just get up and walk in there. ah, I am so depressed.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Tuesday, June 28th, 2005

    Time:11:53 am.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    Sunday, May 1st, 2005

    Time:2:43 am.
    i have a new apartment but i don't have a bed to sleep in. I am staying at Nick and Danielle's. They are so nice for letting me stay here. I feel lonely though. I am not looking forward to sleeping on a twin size matress on the floor alone in a big empty cold apartment. I can not see myself being able to sleep and i think i am going to have to read for long amounts of time to fall asleep. Although reading isn't bad, in this case i do not want to have to do it. My plan is to start finding ways to make myself super tired by the time i get home that i will just fall right asleep. I will have to get used to the new place sounds that might scare the shit out of me.

    I am lonely though because i want tim to be here with me. I wouldn't be scared to go into my apartment if tim was there, and i wouldn't feel so lonely if i knew he would be here soon. But he is coming in a month and to me that is a long time away. Maybe i made a mistake of getting an apartment before he came down here. My bad. I just wanted a place to live when i got out of school. I havne't unpacked anything. mainly because i do not have any fruniture.

    Nick has been going everywhere with me though and I am grateful for that. It is really nice having supportive friends helping you through things even when everybody thinks it is a huge mistake. Everybody hates tim and it is my fault, I make him look like a bad guy. anyways, nick and I found this little desk that i can put my computer on. I am going to put it right next to my bed so that i can put cd's in or put a dvd on and go to sleep to. we will see.

    sorry for the post, i had a lot to say because i haven't said anything in a long time. In addition, i am feeling pressured by my job and I am confused as to how I am going to get everything back together that for a long time was messed up in the office. I am only half way throught he invoicing and it has to be done soon. I miss tim.

    Goodnight, even though i cna't sleep.
    Comments: Add Your Own.

    LiveJournal for Adina.

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